Inkpotamus

Old Sir Arthur Evans, on clay tablets, found some writing,
In the ruins of Knossos, which archaeologists thought exciting.
Linear B is what we call that script which Cretans scratched in clay,
Many thousand years ago, recording what they’d say.

“This is some unknown Cretan tongue,” Sir Arthur felt quite sure,

“There's no such thing as suction,”
The science teacher said,
Then she heard an interruption:
“You must be off your head!”

The animals went in one by one - hang on, hang on!
The animals went in two by two - halloo, halloo!
The animals went in three by three - the elephant and the bumble bee!
And they all went in to the Ark - all to get out of the rain.

I’m Nostradamus,
I’m the cat’s pyjamas,
At foretelling things I really am the best,
(I’m the tiger’s vest!)

The hamster screamed,
From its cage imprisoned,
"I'm not a hamster!"
But nobody listened.

Dave,
Freckle-spottily,
Dermatologically,
Less the manly brave,
Than clear skinned Clint,
Who's cleanly shaved.

Listening to music everyday,
Won’t it blow your mind away?
I was broke and I was poor,
What did I buy that iPod for?

A less screaming baby there’s never been,
Laughing and chortling like you’ve never seen,
Its smile got bigger and bigger and big,
Until it farted, and smelled like a pig.

And did those coals,
In olden time,
come down from,
Newcastle-upon-Tyne?

Let me live an old man’s youth,
Short of breath and long in tooth,
Not unruly nor uncouth,
A dressed in tweeds, hair recedes,
No misdeeds, time-honoured truth youth.